life doesn't just happen.....

'It's  life, things happen'...I've  been hearing that a lot lately.

I don't want to believe that. I can't afford to believe that. Alot of 'things' have been happening lately and it's been a little more than stressful - and if life just kinda happens...its happening to me a little too much.

Car trouble..check
Sickness...check
Work stress...check
Phone issues...check
Big fat no...check
Frustrations....check
Faith issues?....

Yes,  life has happened and there are days when I have felt like having a pity party in the basement with some coconut ice-cream but life doesn't  just happen to me. I had to remind myself  of that a couple of times this week.

My steps are ordered by the Lord!

Faith issues?...

When things seem endlessly slow and unbearably  low,
 Remember our God sits high and looks low. He has promised to never leave or forsake us; He is our father and he is just.
Encourage yourself in the Lord, speak life with every word.
The world may say that things just happen but the Christian should know all things happen for good to them that love the Lord and are called by his purpose.

Faith issues?..... I'm leaving that box unchecked.

For those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength...that word renew....make new again...rewind...again and again as life ' happens' .... I' ll wait on renewal.


I'm still here!

Stay connected

I'm not feeling it yet. The newness of the new year. That umph you get at the beginning of the new year to be fearless and at least start that new thing, at least for that first two weeks! My mind isn't cooperating and neither is my Wifi connection - I had to be jumping through hoops just to get this post up.

That tired feeling, that lack of umph feeling, that frustrating feeling that takes you over when you have internet connectivity problems feeling- it's telling you something.

This new year, I signed up for a bible plan- again!  Last year I signed up and I didn't finish - again. This time I came across a 90 day plan. Read the Bible in 90 days- Yes- 3 months! What made me think I could do that? I was to do in 90 days what I couldn't do in 365? 6 days in - and I'm 6 days behind! See what I mean about not feeling that new year umph?

As for my 40 by 40 campaign, well...I'm 6 days behind on that too.

Why?

I'm not sure I know entirely, but I'm sure it has something to do with that pesky Bible plan. I'm sure it has to do with a renewal of the mind and not a renewal of the year. I feel disconnected, even though I am trying to be totally connected.

Stay connected to the source................

The trick is not in renewing a bible plan, or your gym membership but renewing the mind for Psalm 119:150 says "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."

So, I hope to have a better connection than my internet .............

Launch out into the deep

Cheers to the weekend! It's a Friday. The Friday that ended 365 days and got us started again at 1. Day 1. Blank leaf. Blank Page. Blank Book. Beginning. Enough with the new year's cliches right?

I have seen a push back this year on the 'resolutions'. People instead coining the newest 'catch words' ...solutions and revolutions. Whatever you want to call it, however you want to frame it - a new year brings hope, and possibilities for change, lasting change. And change...change can be a very scary thing.

Change cause you to do a few things...reflect, review, revisit, in short - look back. As we look back on the year past, just mere hours ago, it is tempting to revel in any successes we might have had or revert to old habits because of apparent failures; for we are but humans, and life events can cause us to praise or blame - self.

One event happened that caused me to look back on a lifetime of scars and the enemy said 'stay there'

Change can cause you to have apprehension, fear, uncertainty, and in short cause you to become paralyzed. 'Stay there.' For people who had a great 2015, a new year isn't so scary, because they welcome opportunities to have an even better year. For the rest of us whose year was characterized by disappointment, uncertainty, pain and even growth, we are - fearful. Questions flood in, fools rush in and we think of a new year with trepidation; one day at a time becomes 366 days that unravel like dried up roses from a bouquet. We try nothing, we do nothing, we dare not rock the boat, less it topples over. We 'stay there'  and finish out the year - hopefully.

Change can cause you to make a plan, resolutions, revolutions, solutions, in short change can cause - action. Last year, I had a plan, I got a board, I decorated it, I titled it my 'Vision Board', it was to have my visions clearly stated in print and pictures. I was to accomplish them all by the end of 2015. Thing is....it was my plan and as luck would have it - I never put a single 'vision' on it. I meant it to look absolutely perfect- so I was waiting to find the perfect pictures, and I wanted to cut out letters to make the words- I thought it would look artsy. Perfectionism and procrastination got the better of the 'Vision Board.' At year's end - I wasn't sorry. In January when I designed it in my mind, most of what took place in the year wasn't on it - including this blog. Man's best laid plans, often go awry- thank heavens for that!

Change can cause you to change. Do a total 360! It's a new year, change is good, so therefore I must change. Change my hair, change my style, change my outlook, change my mind about being kind.


Looking back isn't bad, getting stuck in your past is. I think it's healthy to look back, to see how far you have come. It can help us to see God's hand connecting the dots of our haphazardly ordered life. Looking back can make us grateful for God's grace and his mercy. Look back but for a moment.


Feel the fear, feel that heavy, sinking feeling in the pit of your chest. Breathe slowly. Repeat. Isn't it unfair that we can't see or predict even what's around the bend? It makes you feel so helpless, but yet in a way, it's the best thing that could ever happen to us! During all the Christmas messages, Isaiah 9:6-7 was on repeat ......and the government shall be upon his shoulders.... spoke to me- and I thought - "well that's a heavy load; that is a burden I would not want to carry." In Jamaica, we sometimes describe a person who looks sad or distressed like this:-  'dem a ack like the whirl deh pon dem shoulda' transalation - they are acting like the world is on their shoulder.
If I knew everything that would happen in my life, the good, the bad and the ugly, I know I'd be running around like a chicken without a head, trying to out a fire here, or to extend a happy moment or to prevent any sadness anywhere, that I would soon be so burdened and be fearful and paralyzed, having my world upon my shoulders. A scary thought! Feel the fear?....You don't have to!


Plan! Nehemiah had a plan. I. am. not the best planner. Last year I'm sure I said, I'm not a planner at all- but I'm getting there- slowly- but surely. It is always good to have a plan, God is a planner and if I am to be more like him, I also need to have a systematic way of achieving my goals but - my plans need to not just be systematic but in sync. In sync with God's purpose for my life. For I do not have time to be like mouse and men!

Change just to change? That reminds me of me, when I'm going out! I know I am not the only one to start off with an outfit, try on three others, only to return to the original outfit. Find your purpose - stick to it! Different outfits might change your mood but it certainly doesn't change the heart of you, the core of you- the purpose in you.

Change should cause you to surrender. Fullstop.
Change. lasting change, that causes renewal, revitalization; that change that makes ALL things new. That change - it never, ever says "stay there." Stay at a place that scarred you. Stay at a place that causes you pain. Stay at a place and be afraid. Stay at a place and never grow. Stay at place and keep changing things that don't matter. Stay here.

Instead - lasting change says - Go - Luke 5: 4.. Launch out into the deep, and let down your nets for a draught. Lasting change asks you to take a deep breath, feel the fear but TRUST God's plan, surrender and GO.

Our response is usually -
"No"
"I don't know how"
"I'm afraid"
"I prefer to stay here"
"I'm not sure if it's you Lord"
"This is not my plan"
"I have been doing it this way though"
"I can't"

And then 365 days go by and we look back and wonder where the year went. We look back, many of us pleased at the direction our year took- our goals were met, our lives unfolded just the way we planned. Others, will look back with disappointed eyes and be glad 365 + 1 are in the bag, so they get to start a fresh! Start a change.

5 And Simon answering said unto him, Master, we have toiled all the night, and have taken nothing: nevertheless at thy word I will let down the net.


Master we have toiled all night and have taken nothing - Lord, I have done it my way all this time, and really have gained nothing at all; everything that I have tried to the best of my own knowledge, skills and plans have amounted to nothing I can use to make a living from. Nevertheless - surrender!
at thy word- with your guidance, grace, mercy, PLAN, I will let down my net- I will Go out and do what I have been doing, with the same tools I used before, but not with my own knowledge, skill, strength or PLAN but yours oh Lord and I will see what happens!

6 And when they had this done, they enclosed a great multitude of fishes; and their net brake.


And that is how, I suspect, you drink from your saucer, for your cup has overflowed.

Happy New Year - 2016

Change takes time, change happens one child at a time

We are an instant generation.

Instant coffee.

 Instant oats.

 Press-on-nails.

Microwaves.

Dishwashers.

 Fast food!

 You want it; you got it, fast, quick, easy, hassle free. It isn’t our fault really; let’s just blame it all on engineers shall we? Plastics don’t make it possible- Engineers do! They think of ways to make our lives easier – and I don’t think I would be much of a fan of going out and hunting game anyways, so I'm not mad at them.

But an instantaneous lifestyle can have a deleterious effect on many other aspects of our lives. The biggest one is Change! If things are changing, if something is happening, I want it to happen ..well kinda instantly.

And...I told you that God is doing a work in me and I was going to embrace the change?.....I have in many respects but I wanted the change a tad bit faster than he seems to be taking. It's not that I wanted him to hurry up or anything- it's just that, I wanted the change to be like those pretty press on nails. 

You see it, you like it, you order it, it comes in the mail, you pull it out, match it to your fingers, and voila! Nicely manicured fingernails with minimal effort that still lasts about the same time as a professionally done job. It's not like I put zero effort into it, it's just that there wasn't this huge hassle.

Life changes in God, takes often this term I Do Not even want to say out loud - Long Suffering!

I came across a most delightful insight by C.S.Lewis, and it was an instant screenshot - yup- instant again! No need for exercising that brain with memorizing!- another downside of instantaneous lifestyle.

When I read it I said- yup- so true! And a big construction project such as rebuilding a life from the ruins of sin - takes time, real time and slapping on a coat of paint is like putting on a band aid on a surgical wound! It just doesn't make sense. 

As I looked into the eyes of a broken child today, who said, all his life he had been told that he was dumb, and he stopped believing he could learn anything; so he instead wasted time and misbehaved in class- I knew. I understood. Change.

Change. Takes. Time.

When I said to him, " they lied to you, " "anyone who told you you were dumb, lied to you." Something happened to his eyes that I have yet to put into words. But his entire countenance changed and for a moment, he believed. Me.

But..........

It's not just that change is hard or that as humans we don't like change. It's that change takes a long time, for most of us and for most situations. The hardest part is that our mind carries a memory of our former life and deeds and it makes a habit of never letting us forget. It stands in the doorway of change. A gatekeeper that says - no! You are not worthy to come in! You are too dumb to learn, you are too much of a sinner for God to love you. You....can't go speak to the boss! 

You are a murderer and your people know and they won't accept you as one to 'save' or free them - so, you look at the master of change and say - I'm not worthy, I can't change my story, they won't want me! I can't speak, I can't.....But ...................... that voice..............it's lying to you too!

Moses left from a palace to a desert. That's a Big change, it's a change that I'm sure at first, he must have taken some time to adjust to, I'm sure he had resigned himself to a life of a husband of keeper of the sheep; he wouldn't have expected this change to lead to his life's purpose. He needed his desert experience, so that he could succeed at his wilderness journey with the people he was born to free.

God's ways?...Not our ways...God seems to like things to be authentic - if your purpose is to lead people to a promised land through a wilderness - he's going to give you a little working experience first.

Joseph? He had a big change too! His change was of the grandest kind - both in his ascension and descent. From palace to prison and back to save a people!

The voice says, it's going to take too long.

The voice says, no one will believe you

The voice says, you can never really change

The voice says, you will be back to your old self in no time and I'll be waiting to say I told you so!

The voice says, even though others did it, doesn't mean you can

The voice says, stay with me, I love you just the way you are

But that's only half the battle...to wrestle against the flesh and the spirit...

A spiritual change that calls for newness, a new creature. A new creation. In Christ.

2 Corinthians 5; 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away: behold,all things have become new. 

And so now you understand just what C. S. Lewis was saying, a new creature is being build at the same time that an old structure is standing. So the change cannot be instant,at least not everything. And I've seen renovations of old houses, the builder works from the inside out, he painstakingly removes walls, windows, doors, grills, but he is careful to keep the supporting walls and beams and then he gradually makes his way to the outside, and many times when the structure is finished, it's unrecognizable! And that's how God works- he changes from the inside out, because putting paint on an old house does make it look a little better but it's still just an old house with fresh paint. Everything inside, is still falling apart.

So that moment when someone tells you that you can, when all your life you have been told that you can't.........believe them! It's possible to see lasting change but it won't be instant and try as they might - engineers can't make it possible!

So my challenge is to make change for a child say......

Yes, you can 

Yes, you will

Yes, it is possible..............even also for me.........

But you must believe who God says you are and no other voice that says otherwise - not even your own- and that's a change that takes time, for you have to live with your own voices....

but this promise......1 John 4:4 Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.

A call to action.....Save one child that is not your own, let them know who God says that they are.

Readings Exodus 2-5

How to forgive with an eraser called time

When you stare at a blank canvas 

 When you are a writer without words, 

When you have the story but you can't stain the stark white canvas with your blood soaked tears.

When the story is so deeply rooted, it wraps you from the soul of your feet to the crown of your head.

When you know that the story needs to be told, for it is no longer yours, because God says to use it, he showed you how to use it for he knows just who and how it will bless-

 but...

You wrestle with pride, you wrestle with a shame that's not your own.

People will know my pain, people will know where my dry bones live, they will connect to me in a way that I didn't want, they will be too close for comfort- inside my bubble that I alone breathe the freshest of stale air. When you know your test, those lived experience that almost broke you, yet didn't- needs to come out- the words begin to reluctantly flow and you start- possibly at the beginning.

Ezekiel 37 1:3 And He said to me, Son of man, can these bones live? And I answered. O Lord God though knowest.

As questions go, I'm definitely thinking, that question right there was fully loaded; and if I were asked it today, I would say an emphatic Yes, but a few years ago- I would have said no.

I had my own valley of dry bones. I did not prophesy to them. They did not live.

I remember conversations that my friends had in high school about their families, when it was a general conversation, I'd lend my colourful stories, and my mommy's Jamaican sayings but when the conversation became parent specific- daddy specific- I'd go. I'd become quiet. I'd have nothing to say.

There were times when I didn't get to escape fast enough and be asked about my dad- I'd very promptly say 'My father lives overseas-' I'd say it with a fortitude which resonated -no more questions please- but occasionally, a teenage girl wouldn't get it and would continue to ask. That's when my shame kicked in, and I would squeeze my toes into the soles of my shoes and died a little bit inside.

I had nothing to say. I didn't know him. Never met him. He was bones in a graveyard of unspoken conversations, unspoken advice about boys, un-felt hugs, un-heard fears. 

 Children internalize their own pains.

I think I learned to hate at this graveyard- but not people- just him.

I met my father once, for the first time- as a teenager- in college. It wasn't like Oprah. I had played and replayed those Oprah like reunions in my head, how we would reunite and there would be nothing but hugs, tears of joys, kisses and life would end with the 'happily ever after theme' but it didn't happen quite - like - that.

Parents carry their own pains.

It was awkward. My happily ever after dream was tattered, broken, in a desolate graveyard, yet there he stood and my heart ran for cover. No - dry bones cannot live.

He tried to make a mends, but it was too late, I could not relate, I could not dream. There was underlying resentment, there was underlying hate.

God knows our pains.

It's not that my life was bad without him, it's just that I told myself it would have been better. I would have made better choices. I would have picked better boyfriends. I would have been married. I would have had someone to fight for me. I would have had more - of everything- but oh how I was wrong.

 The story of Joseph and his brothers came to me as I started to peel a pineapple and an orange to make my morning salad. It was about 10am and I was hungry. My spirit said- fast today- until 12.

I rolled my eyes- yes I did- the juices from the orange dripped through my fingers and I rolled my eyes and said- really? I'm peeling the fruits though. I finished peeling the fruits, put them away and the fridge and spent some time with God and then he showed me something I never would have heard with a full stomach.

Children have to learn to forgive parents who have made mistakes by them.

My life would not have been better if my father was always a part of it, it would just have been different. Different doesn't equal better.

Imagine for a minute a famine, a famine so bad that people were willing to become slaves for food. Joseph's family, living in Canaan had money to buy food but they had no food. There was food in Egypt. They would get food from- bones. To Jacob, Joseph was dead. It had been 15+ years. To his brothers, he had been good as dead- it had been years since they sold him. The brothers went down to Egypt with a hope and a prayer and got not only food but restoration. The family's seemingly dry bones-lived.

Now see how different doesn't mean better? if Joseph was not sold, how would lives have been saved? Not just lives of Joseph's immediate family but a nation?
Gen 45: 5 Now therefore be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither: for God did send me before you to preserve life.

God sees the whole story - we see the script - a day at a time.

Forgiveness is hard- ask Joseph.

Forgiveness is undeserved- ask Jesus- about us

Forgiveness is necessary- ask me

I too had my time of famine, as we all do, and you know what? My father, the earthly one, well he gave me grain- and put back the money in my sack too. This is not why I forgave him-

I forgave him because Jesus gave me an example of forgiveness.
I forgave him because you can't prophesy to those you hate,
I forgave him because you can't give life to those you hate.
I forgave him because I needed restoration.
I forgave him, for me and for him.

My only hope now is that he can forgive himself.

There are times when you look at a graveyard of bones, and all you can see for miles is just death. Oh, but GOD, has defeated death, so you no longer have to live in man made graves of guilt and shame.

I had a graduation from another college recently, my father came, he smiled, he was proud, it was a little closer to the Oprah like reunions- yet- it wasn't. It was real life- and the oldest wounds leave the darkest scars. But time has erasers.


^{Ezekiel 37:13} And ye shall know that I am the Lord, when I have opened your graves, O my people, and brought you up out of your graves,¹⁴ And shall put my spirit in you, and ye shall live, and I shall place you in your own land: then shall ye know that I the Lord have spoken it, and performed it, saith the Lord.

Ask me today if dry bones can live and I will tell you: Yes
Ask me today if that lost family member can be restored, I will tell you: Yes
Ask me today if that person that you 'sold into slavery' can show you love and forgiveness and I will tell you: Yes

Is anything too hard for God?

It takes a particular type of famine for us to go and seek that which was lost but even in what seems like forever, is an eraser called time.

In time, I erased hate with love
In time, I erased resentment with forgiveness

In time, I erased lost time with daily conversations

I write a new song on my heart.


I call you to action:
Will you forgive and honour a parent ?
will you trust God to let dry bones live?


You may also like:
Leaving the Shell behind 

A bridge to a Cross

I have seen quotes circulating over he social media landscape, this is one of the favoured. "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice." This quote has been attributed to the world famous Jamaican  reggae singer/songwriter, Bob Marley, who's album Exodus was named the Best album of the 20th century by Time Magazine in 1999. I'm a Jamaican. I love my island and I love me some Bob Marley but...

'Strong is never your only choice'; for there is always weak.

Strength is not the only choice anyone ever has
There is always weakness
The world says, if you choose weakness
You are copping out
Refusing to fight,
Giving up,
Not living it up
But
I do not agree
It is in weakness that one gets free

See
I've been strong
All my life
I've been fighting,
Been smiling
Been moving
Been going
Being strong- for so very long
And

I'm tired
Just plain ole tired
I can't fight no more
I don't want to smile no more
Moving, yet going in circles
Being strong has served me long

Now I just want to be weak
In myself - strength - I do not want to seek.
I choose weak
I choose a safe place to fall
I'm giving up on that which I believed---
That, I had it all

See
The world says in weak you should never abide
In weak you should never try to hide
Weak- makes you vulnerable
Weak makes you cry
Weak make others uncomfortable
Weak is not profitable

BUT

What if
Weakness was actually your strength?
For who reinforces a bridge that is deemed strong?
Isn't it a stronghold that takes capture of your life all the day long?
The strong doesn't need help to fight

What if
You let you let your weakness show?
Do you think it might give you a chance to grow?
To be held up?
Reinforced?
Rejuvinated?
Refereshed?
Renewed?
Will you be made perfect in your weakness?

No
I'm done with strong
I'll choose weak all the day long

I'm going against what he says, she says, they say
I'll play the fool and choose weak
'Cause strength has served me long,
But
It hasn't really made me...
Strong.

2 Corinthians 12 : 7-10
 7Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself! 8Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. 9And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 

The apostle Paul, was serving the Lord, giving his all, willing to risk death, he was all in but he had a problem. A thorn in his flesh. A weak spot. If left unchecked, thorns in sides, like rusty steel pins in bridges, can cause total collapse. But, what to do? Well most of us try to be strong, try to solve that issue, try to cope with losses ourselves, try to try to- cold turkey; only to keep- well- failing in our own strength. Paul sought the Lord about his problem- thrice.

Now, I'm no theologian, but when I read that it was after the third time in prayer about this issue, that Paul got his answer from God. Three like the third day Jesus was risen from the dead signifies completeness- and that was the end of that! The thing is Paul's issue didn't leave him on that third time, but he now understood just how to deal with it. By being weak in the Lord, that is how you fortify a bridge. That is how you are strengthened. That is how you become strong.

10Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

Starting at the end is the best place to begin

When you're looking at someone's end to chart your beginning, you're going to get lost.

I had a haunting yearning deep inside my soul that kept screaming - 'You need to write... Just write!' I had managed to subdue the screams with the chaos of life and the myriad of distractions that lie within. I did it successfully for a few years, but on the odd day when I managed to 'be still' (Psalm 46) it crept up to the top of my consciousness with a whisper 'I'm still here and you must still write.'

Obedience has never been my strong point, in fact, I like to oppose things, not even because I disagree with a point, but just for the sake of opposing. I knew God was speaking to me, I knew what He placed deep within but I needed to oppose. Now, I fear God,(Prov. 9:10) so I certainly wasn't going to say an outright No, a girl is disobedient but she ain't no fool...I know 'obedience is better than sacrifice' (1Samuel15:22)- so I procrastinated...OK...OK... delayed, much like Jonah did( we all know where he ended up) but who was I kidding? God always wins!