One space left- a lesson in obedience

It was the only parking spot left. It was right near an iron post in a corner, I wasn't positioned to drive in seamlessly. I would have to reverse. On reversing, there he was. A young man in old clothes, with plastic bags by his side filled with what looked like clothes. He looked newly homeless, despondent. I looked around the parking lot, hoping to see a reverse light or any indication that another space was becoming available. No such luck! I hesitantly drove in, beside him.

The car on my left was still running, as I looked over, I read the driver's eyes - it said- are you seriously going to park there beside him?! I held my head down wondering how his eyes had read my mind. I glanced over at the young man, I whispered a prayer - for the car! I said to my God, 'Lord, please don't let this guy do any harm to this car.' After, I said a prayer for the human, I said - 'Oh and Lord, help him', or something to that effect. I got out the car sheepishly, I tried not to look at him, thinking I was being nice by not staring. The man in the car to the left, I saw his eyes again...it read my mind..again...'are you seriously leaving your car beside him?'

I stood in the line, it was longer than I was comfortable with, I was getting a patty for my mummy. A few weeks before she had said, "I would eat a patty from a sore foot man!" That's a phrase only a Jamaican would probably understand, it simply means, she wanted a patty, very badly, even from someone that would seemingly be unclean! I was being the 'good' daughter, I was getting her her heart's desire.

As slowly as the line moved, my thoughts raced, thinking about the man by the car. I wanted to move the car badly. Then a thought came into my head that quietly whispered, "Get a patty for him too." My mind hesitated. Then I said okay. Another whisper, "Get him something to drink too." Hesitation, then I said okay. I knew who was whispering. I ordered. With patty, drinks and change in hand, I walked back to the car. The whisper said- "Give him the change too." I am on a very strict budget, I wanted my change, I shook my head in the negative, I argued, then I decided to obey. On my short walk back to the car, which felt like an eternity, I had a few conversations with myself.

It is funny how a patty, a drink and change can make you adjust your thinking. I no longer thought about damage to the car, now I thought about damage to my ego. How would I approach him? What would I say? What if he rejects me? What will the man on the left say to me with his eyes? Should I tell him that God said to give it to him? Should I say I'm a Christian and I just wanted to help? I shook my thoughts quiet, and just decided that I would say whatever came to my mind. I stepped to the side of the car.

The young man, the young man that had the plastic bags of clothes. The young man in the old clothes that I feared parking beside. That young man that I had prayed for after I had prayed for a car. That young man- was gone!

The young man and his bags were gone, and I stood in the parking lot holding the bag. I looked around, I hadn't been gone that long, I made a 360. He was nowhere in sight. He seemingly had disappeared. I sighed. The man to the left was still there, this time, his eyes didn't reveal my mind. I opened the car door and sat. Still. I felt defeated, un-redeemed. Then I said to God - "well what exactly was the point of that?" "Why exactly would you let me do all of that for this young man to just disappear?" I didn't get the point.

As I drove away, I still looked, I wanted to give him the food, I wanted to have him feel like someone cared, I wanted to 'save' him by this one gesture but most of all, I wanted to redeem myself! I didn't want to be the girl who drove in a parking lot and parked beside a homeless person and prayed about my car- first! I didn't want to be the Christian girl who prayed for people in need when it was in my capacity to help them. I didn't want to be that Christian girl who didn't show kindness to strangers. I wanted to not feel shallow.

I didn't see him. I drove home. Mummy got two patties and a drink that day.

I related the story to a blogger friend, she remarked that it was a great story. I couldn't see it. She said, that is a remarkable story on obedience. She then asked, if that were to happen to you again- would you react differently? Would you hesitate as much? Or would you just be obedient immediately?

I believe, in all sincerity that I would be more compassionate; my thoughts would not mirror the man on the left, and I probably would have less hesitation to help a fellow human being. I didn't see the lesson at the time, but I thank God for the experience. Now- I look around for people just like him.

I want to be a Christian girl who gives as lead by the spirit.
I want to be a Christian girl who values people's souls
I want to be a Christian girl who sees people like Jesus sees them
I want to be a Christian girl who prays for people and not things
I want to be a Christian girl who doesn't care what the world thinks about her actions
I want to be a Christian girl who does what she is lead to do, even if she doesn't want to do it.
I want to be a Christian girl.

And God, He is wise. If I had gotten to deliver that bag, I might have thought of myself as 'good', I might have done like the many persons on social media, who post pictures and write long posts how they were lead to buy food for homeless people. I might have blown my own trumpet. I thought about those people as I walked over to the car with the bag. I said to myself, I won't take a picture though. We have to be careful in doing the right things, that we have the right motives. Less we think of ourselves as 'good.'


There was only one space left in the parking lot, I got it, right beside a homeless young man, I didn't want to park there. There was only one space left, Jesus, got it, in the midst of two thieves. He asked that the cup be passed from him, yet he said, thy will be done!

So I say, whatever the lesson, whatever the reason for my experience that day, thy will be done.

Love abuse

Day 5
Love abuse

John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him will not perish but have everlasting life."

Recently, I read a blog post on yoursewtrendy.com, my fellow blogger Jaime hosts Sitting Among Friends blog party every Wednesday. I'm always there.(I can't make a live link because I'm using my phone, but I urge you to check it out). She wrote a post about love and examples of love in the Bible and how we can follow those examples when we love. It struck a cord and one song kept playing in my mind. 'God favoured me'. One line from it in particular.. ' love, I've had my share of Love Abuse..manipulated and its strength misused..'

Yes, I thought, love abuse. I've had a lot of that. We've had a lot of that and on today, Valentines Day, many are celebrating just that. Love abuse. When you have had that pure genuine child-like love we all originally had manipulated and misused, we begin to have doubts. We first doubt ourselves. We doubt others. We doubt love. We wrap that soft love with hard shells. We build walls instead of bridges. We start to mistrust love. We tell love it doesn't exist.

If there comes a time when genuine love appears, we find it hard to recognise it. We tell it it's a liar. We accuse it. We leave it for that special friend....love abuse. We become trapped in a cycle of hurt and abuse..with little love to show for it.

Love is patient
Love is kind
Love is felt most when it's genuine
And I know he favoured me because my enemies did try, but didn't triump over me.

Now that hard has covered soft, and we only recognise and respond to love abuse; in comes God with that love on a cross. In comes God that's says ' I love you my child'. I love you with all my being. I love you with all your faults and flaws. I love your hard places. I love your soft places. Will you love me back? The dilemma now is, you don't know what to do with this type of love. You no longer trust yourself to choose love. You only now know, love abuse.

Houston.. We have a problem!

Many times, its not that we don't want to love God, it's that we don't know what real love looks like anymore. We can't let anyone into our hard places for fear that they will injure our soft places. We can't trust the people we see, touch and feel, how must we accept, receive the love of Jesus?

Truth is, there is no easy answer to that question. The answer that I know, is just to try him. Just to try him fully and you would be surprised how much he will heal your unspoken broken and make you whole again. The next thing you have to do is Trust him. That's the hard part. The trust part. You don't even trust your own judgement. But you must let go and let God..* welp*. It must be done. It can be done; slowly. Strip back the layers and receive a lover who is willing to be with you even unto death. One who doesn't just pay lip service but one who actually has the holes in his hands to prove it.

I'm not big on Valentines Day, something about being single has something to do with it. What I am big on is learning to recognise the love of Jesus as something wonderful.

And I know he favoured me because my enemies did try but couldn't triump over me.

"Jesus wept."

How do you love?

Day 4

Jesus loves us

I typed the perfect little post, it got deleted.... Queue my * wonk wonk* soundtrack somebody. Day 4 has its challenges, life is full of them but we must soldier on. Luke 22:32 says " But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to me, strengthen your brethren." The Lord prays for us! Isn't that incredibly awesome?

Jesus prays that our faith in him not wane, even when Satan seeks to sift us like wheat. He is watching, he is present. He is praying.
Luke 22:32, says importantly..' When' ...when you have returned to me, not ' if'. Not if but when. Jesus knows that sometimes, life may rock us, sift us and beats us to the ground; he knows too, that sometimes we may just deny ever knowing him because of it. But he's a praying father, and there isn't anything more powerful than a praying parent.

Why do we pray for our children? In a word...love.

Malachi 1:2 " I have loved you, saith the Lord. Yet Ye say, Wherein hath thou loved us...? God has demonstrated his unfailing love towards his children in so many ways long before he was nailed betwixt two thieves. His love for us his only crime. Our crime? Denying him. Denying his love.

How do we love?

I listened to a video recently about the book the Giving Tree. I read the book a long time ago, a boy, who a tree loved first, would go playing under the tree. The tree, because of its love gave unselfishly anything the boy asked. The tree willingly gave his fruits,  its shade and as the boy grew he asked for more, eventually taking the lumber leaving the tree with just its stump. Years later, the boy, now a man came back but there wasn't anything else for him to receive. The tree offered its stump. The man sat.

I always felt bad for the tree, it didn't know to say ' no'. It gave everything it had, for love, our God gave his very life, because, like the Giving Tree, he loved us first. Unlike the tree, God tempers our desires for our own good. We will not always get everything we ask for even though Jesus will always have what to give.

Many times we behave just like the boy in the story, we selfishly ask for things not thinking how it affects others. We treat Jesus as if he is our giving tree, and when we get what we desire, we forget him; only to come back when we are in need again.

How do we love?

I have no problem loving everybody, it's just my neighbour I can't love!.... I laughed, yes, we live just like that. People are hard to love, up close. We have to try to follow  Jesus' example of love. Love, yet say no. Love, and say yes. Love and say wait. Love and let go. Love and let God. Love and be patient. Love and be kind. Love and be wise. Love and be sacrificial. Love and give. Love, even if you love first, love even if you are hated. Love even when persecuted. Love and forgive. Love and love.

How did Jesus love?

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him, should not perish but have everlasting life.

The empty nest

Day 2
The empty nest

An empty nest, can bring lots and lots of rest. I know, yesterday I slept from 8 in the A.M. to 4:47 in the P.M. I surprised myself! 8 hours and 47 minutes of uninterrupted sleep! I have not had that in a long time. There are two reasons for this - I have the coolest job, so I am on holidays because of Ash Wednesday and I have an empty nest for the weekend! The kids are having a grand time with grandma! My grand time - apparently revolves around sleep- 8 hours of sleep!

His eye is on the sparrow

A few days ago, February 6th to be exact, I stumbled upon a nest (feel free to StumbleUpon my blog :) ). It was perched so low on a hanging branch that I was puzzled by it's mere existence. I thought birds built their nest up high, but, I was happy that I got myself a bird's eye view. I immediately grabbed my camera- you know- the one attached to my phone. I started snapping at the cutest little bird in the perfectly shaped low hanging nest. Just tiny little black eyes with a slender teeny tiny beak revealed their hiding place. Not a sound did they make.As I snapped, I looked around for their mommy- nowhere in sight was she. I felt scared for them. For I knew if any curious kids stumbled upon them, they would be goners. The nest though well camouflaged was much too low - for me.

two little birds by my doorstep

 I called my littlest daughter, I said, I have something to show you - she couldn't see, I had to lift her, she then smiled in awe. She called her sister and her friend who was playing in the yard; my littlest one, shook the branch! Not out of spite I am sure, but out of mere curiousity- she wanted to get close to the birds. I was none too happy, I told her so too and she confirmed my fear - the nest, though well camouflaged was much too low- for me.

Some time later, I went back to check on them, my oldest daughter had reliably informed me, that the mommy bird was out looking for the best worms she could find, and that is why she has been gone for so long. She is filled with little bits of knowledge gems. The mommy had indeed returned, but I saw no worm,and I didn't get that photo op either..*wonk wonk*. The tiny mommy bird perched on a branch above her nest- looking up, I understood now why the nest and the baby birds were so small. I felt comforted that she was back..but still...The nest, though well camouflaged was much too low- for me. I worried about the three.

Today, I went to have a look see. The little birdies were still there, they had grown, some colour had come in on their feathers, and the nest seemed smaller somehow; maybe it seemed that way because they had grown. I snapped pictures, then I saw the mommy bird fly by; I took my queue. I was an unwanted intruder in her home. The nest though well camouflaged was much too low- for me...but...it was working quite well for the three.

The birds today

Luke 12:7 But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.24 Consider the ravens: for they neither sow nor reap: which neither have storehouses or barn; and God feedeth them: how much more are ye better than the fowls.

His eye is on the sparrow, so I know he watches me!

We are many times curious onlookers into other peoples lives, many times we see things that we think needs to be fixed. Often times we offer unsolicited advice, we often fail to realize that what works for us, doesn't necessarily work for others. We oftentimes can be meddlesome and not even know it - for even though a well built nest seems too low for us - it works well for who it serves.

The beauty about the God we serve is that he isn't using a cookie sheet, he doesn't have a one size fits all plan. He has tailored made plans for even the sparrows. If I were a bird, I'd probably build my nest way up high but sometimes 'up there' isn't the best place- it's easier for predators to see.
A low place, that small well camouflaged place, that away from the crowd place, is sometimes the best place. There are times when God has to take us low to protect us, but, we don't see. We see only 'up there'.

And just imagine being up there, deciding in your mind to come down here. This low place. This crazy, carnal, sin-filled place, your very well camouflaged place. Coming here to this low place, was the only way that we could be in a protected space. Heaven...I thought for a moment was contemplating having it's own empty nest. The thought came to me and I dismissed it totally, for my mind knows that heaven wasn't really empty when Jesus was on earth. That whole omni-present bit. But I thought it, I thought it, I contemplated it. A parent on high, sending his child down low, knowing the outcome would be death. A parent that never hovered around the naysayers, the intruders, the know it alls; a parent that watched the agony, pain and suffering of their only child for me, for you, for us. I dismissed that thought, for heaven wasn't really empty.

I, a curious bird watcher, sat considerate of my little discovery, I but for a fleeting moment pondered about their safety. I spared a thought of what they would eat, of where their protector was; but as concerned as I was, it was for a mere moment. I went on with my life. I was also pretty psyched about catching a glimpse of them on camera - the wanna be photographer in me; but I went on with my life.

I tried an overlay

We are not but a mere thought to our Christ, "Behold, I have engraven thee upon the palms of my hands, thy walls are continually before me." (Isaiah 49:16). We are his pride and joy, just like the bird that fluttered by me when I intruded on her home and around her prized possession, so God will protect and avenge us, his prized possessions.

Romans 5: 19 "For as by one man's disobedience many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous."

When you look for the 'me' in 'us', you might not see Jes'us'

Day 1

Draw me close – closer than before- closer than I’ve ever been

In Jamaica, we double words for emphasis. When someone has died and we find it hard to believe we ask, “Do you mean the person is dead dead?” Is the cake good good or just good? “Good good would mean it’s very good! I am Jamaican to the core.

A couple years ago a friend asked me if I believed Christ died on the cross for me. I said yes. Then I paused, I asked…Do you mean me me or just people in general. She said, “you”. I paused again.

“No, I said, I wasn’t even born when he died; it was like more than 2000 years ago.”

 “I suppose I believe he died for the people who were living back then, and all their sins. I didn’t commit any sins when he died.”

 “I’m thinking the whole, he died to save us bit was a spill over unto me.” 

I was a Christian when I said that bit. And thank God for how far I have come.

I believed in theory that Christ died for ‘us’ on Calvary’s cross, but somehow, at that  moment, with that question, when I tallied it up in my brain; it didn’t add up. The whole ‘me’ part. That personal part. That Tanya part. Me. Just me.

How could he? Why would he? Why did he? How does it transfer to all who are here now? How does it cover all who aren’t here yet; all who are a mere thought in a couple’s mind? How does it really and truly work like that?

To answer that we have to go back to the beginning, you know- the God created heaven bit, when he fashioned 'man' in his imagine and likeness. That Adam and Eve part. He didn't create them in isolation. In fact in creating them, he fashioned the way for us. All of us - including me. 

I remember being admitted to the hospital once. I was sick sick. Mummy had to leave me, but she left me with this Psalm and these words. Psalm 23. Read it and remember what is says, she said, it's a personal Psalm. It's all about you. Don't worry, I'll be back in the morning. I read it, I trusted and she was indeed back in the morning. We all know it...it reads..

 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

Jesus loves ME

 It was all about me. Just me. That me that Jesus thought about on Calvary's cross. That me that he fashioned in my mother's womb. That me that he knew before I was even conceived. That me that is fearfully and wonderfully made. That me, so important that he numbered all the hairs on my head. That me that was made a little lower than angels and crowned in glory and honour. Yes.That me. 

In fact, that me, that you, can get lost  in that 'us'. That Christ died for 'us' phrase. Sometimes we forget the me in us. Sometimes we can forget that Christ carried a cross, died in shame for a 'me' that was there at the base of the cross, as well as a 'me' that would stand infront of her own cross pondering if Christ died for a 'me' or an 'us'. 

I was not there. I committed no sin. I didn't say 'crucify Him'; yet, he died then and there, on that cross of shame, for a future that I was to gain. I accept it. I live in it. I am growing in it. Me.

Truth be told- my thoughts that Christ did not die for me me, is the thought of the many who reject him daily. It is the thought of the many who think they are too far gone, too wrapped up in sin, to accept that their sins have been forgiven and their souls redeemed more than 2000 years ago by a Christ that sees all things and knows all things. A God who in Genesis told us that the seed of a woman would crush the serpent's head. Yes, that God knew, from Genesis, the beginning, what would happen 2000 years after; and he told us too. We serve an all powerful God. A good that is concerned with the 'me' as well as the 'us'.

So why did he do it? How does it transfer to me..just me? 

Genesis 1: 26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

Why did he want to save me? because he made me just like himself, I am just like God, I am his image, I am his likeness. I am holy, I am righteousness, I am beautiful, pure, blessed, wonderfully made. If God was Jamaican, he would say - She mek good good- translation - 31 And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. 

That's why he died on that cross for us - for me; because I was made not just good, but good good, and anything made very well is indeed worth saving. Let us embrace Him in this the 40 days leading up to the cross with a hope to find me and us in Jesus Christ our Saviour and soon coming King. 

Related Readings : Genesis 1-4

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https://williamstand.blogspot.com/2015/08/a-bridge-to-cross.html