Forgive- in the moment- for you may not have the luxury of time

Forgiveness is a hard thing for us human folks. Hard for us common folks. Hard for us broken folks. Hard for us hurting folks. Forgiveness, is even harder to 'give' in the moment when you are being hurt, wounded, mocked, lied upon by people you helped; people you love deeply. But we are called to forgiveness. It's hard.

I watched the movie War Room with my trio last week Friday, at first my daughter said - I want my money back, can we watch something else? She had paid no money, and I certainly wasn't watching a cartoon- because I was about my father's business. But as the show progressed she grew quiet; the seed was embedding. At the end I asked her what she thought of a war room for our house, she smiled- I'm not sure, where would we put it? I wouldn't want anybody to be able to read my stuff, she declared. She had become open to idea.

Praying is a powerhouse of a tool. I don't do it quite as much as I should.

For me, the movie changed my perspective on the 'enemies' we fight, and how I have been going about the fight All wrong this whole time! I have been fighting against people- pushing back against people instead of fighting the real enemy working through them. I need a war room, in-fact...I need a war house!

When people hurt me,and I look at their faces, and I hear their voices, all I see, hear and feel is my hurt, my pain, my betrayal. All I remember is how good I was to the person, how much I helped, sacrificed and gave my all. All I can think is how good I am and how bad they are. All I AM is angry. All I AM is hurt. All I AM is not forgiving. All I AM is fighting the wrong enemy. All I AM is losing.

And today I thought about forgiveness and these words  Luke 23:34 Father, forgive them for they do not know what they do....." as I stared at a face I felt too hurt to forgive. The wound was still fresh, and forgiveness was too much to ask. Hard.
As the words of Jesus danced upon my heart, I hardened it even as I thought this :- How awesome a God we serve that in the very moment that they mocked, geared, spat, betrayed, pierced, and abused him, the I AM, the creator of the universe, could say and live out the words - Forgive!

Here I AM, just a regular lady who had been hurt that was refusing to forgive, after the fact, and looked upon a face of someone that betrayed me and see them as'bad' and myself  as 'good'. I was the good one, the kind one, the one who was wronged. I have all right to be angry, upset, and militant about my unforgiveness. I AM wrong and strong! And this is why ALL our righteousness are but filthy rags, for our 'goodness' - well - it's just no good!

And God calls us to do the hard things. The things we don't want to do, the things that stretches us, the things that prepares us for what is to come. If as a Christian I want to be more like him, well, forgiveness - in the moment - has got to be a new normal and I will have to look myself in the mirror, swallow deeply and ................................follow Christ's example. Hard.

Last year, I ate a lot of pork; this year I decided that I didn't want to eat as much pork. I was resolute and I had pork, maybe four times this year. Three out of those four times, my body totally rejected it. It was upon the third occasion, just this weekend, as I sat curled up with a case of the runs that I realized what my body was trying to tell me on those other occasions.

My body said - 

Tanya, even though pork tastes so good to the taste buds, we, the digestive system have decided that we will no longer accept it, after all this time; it is foreign to us now and we do not want it any longer. In the event that you decide to forget what we clearly showed to you two times before, we will continue with the 'runs' in a more serious way, until you understand our position.

 Best regards, 

The Digestive system

Since, I have better things to do than fight with my own body, I think I'll give up pork altogether, hoping in the back of my mind that giving up fresh pork doesn't include me having to give up ham! For Christmas is a coming! 

It isn't the first time my body has rejected foods that I like to eat, it did it before with mangoes, fish and rice, and for each of those foods I did something that got my body to re- adjust ever so nicely to accepting them again!

Follow me- I promise I'm going somewhere with this!

This is what I did - even though my body said no - I kept eating those things my body didn't want - a little at a time, even through the occasional tummy aches and upchucks- I continued eating them until my body got used to them and I could have some of my favourites again without any painful reminders that once signaled their arrival into my digestive system.

It is the job of an active conscience to tell you when you have sinned and fallen short of God's glory, if you keep denying and suppressing that conscience, eventually it becomes less active, and you end up waist deep in a sinful unforgiving state of being. 

Like my digestive system, that voice of reason that speaks to you when you know you are wrong, that voice that brings a scripture to your heart that solidifies your wrong, is trying to save you from a night curled up in pain and anguish. It is trying to save you from a more serious case of the runs. But the more you indulge in sin, a little at a time, is the more that you will become accepting of it, and the less you will feel that conscience pricking you to do what is right. 

So I am caught in my wrong and I must make it right - 70 x 7. Hard. Yet doable, if I consider the consequences - and I must.

A little song I learnt recently from an African missionary to Jamaica...

I want to be more and more like Jesus

I want to be more and more like him

I want to be more and more and more and more

More and more and more and more 

More and more and more Like him

When I sing these words,I want them to be true, I want to be forgiving,I want to show God's love to those who hurt me, I want to learn to forgive, in the moment. I want to soften my heart instead of harden it. I want to do it so that in loving my enemies - I give them pause - I give them thought- I give them a moment to have questions dance on their hearts. A simple question like - how is it that she still shows me love, when I gave evil for good?...........and maybe, as they go about their daily lives, if not me, then someone will be able to answer that question and simply say :-

"Isn't the love of Jesus something wonderful?"

Then the I AM that is within me would be winning!

Forgive ....in the moment....for we may not have the luxury of time


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